One of my favorite Psalms is “Be still and know that I am God.” Recently, I have found myself meditating on this verse and the themes of resting, relaxing, and trusting. The more I attempt to incorporate these themes into my life, the more I find myself on the brink of something. I am not certain exactly where this is leading, but I know it somewhere deep; it is significant and it involves writing.
Kathleen Norris (one of my favorite authors and thinkers) spoke of a writer as being a witness and essayist of life’s experiences. I like that. What I do not like is the dreadful thought -- what if the experience is my own inner struggle with trust, resting, and relaxing? Trusting God and having faith have never come easy for me. And while I have tried to ignore, reject, shut out, and plain not believe, this has yet to become a possibility for me. Francis Thompson wrote the poem,” The Hound of Heaven.” I can relate. The harder I run, the more I seem to be pursued by God. It is as if surrender is the only possibility for me despite my desperate resistance to let go. I cannot outrun God. Though I secretly cling to layers of anger and pride, I cannot silence the stirring voice inside that longs for intimacy with God.
A few months ago, I started meeting with Sister Olga for spiritual direction. She challenged me to find time every morning to sit in the presence of God, find a simple phrase to meditate on such as “let me know you love me”, and allow God to love me. While this sounds simple, it is profoundly difficult. I vacillate between “let me know you love me” and “I believe, help my unbelief.” As I sit (usually the duration of a cup of coffee), my eyes begin to fill with tears and I look for ways to avoid feeling anything. I find myself terrified of what is around the corner. Terrified of what the tears are about. Terrified to see and know the unknown. I assume it will be painful, though I know it is likely to also mean embarking on a journey of healing and reconciliation.
I am making a commitment to explore the depths of my soul. A commitment to take an honest look at the baggage and barriers which inhibit my trust. For those who wish to embark on this journey as a fellow traveler, I invite you to come with me.
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