There is much to occupy our lives – much to lead us straight into avoidance of what really matters. I have been convicted regarding the excessive amount of waste in my life. At this point, I am not referring to physical waste (though there is still way too much of that moving through our household), but rather I am concerned about wasting time. I am becoming more aware of the many ways I have welcomed distraction into my life (television, solitaire games on my phone, playing on the internet . . .). Such idle distractions have successfully helped me avoid connecting with people, my inner artist, and the contemplative spirit that fuels a deep intimacy with God.
Connecting with others requires a spirit of mindfulness. I am aware of the other’s presence and I desire to be fully present with that person. This means I let down my guard, lower my walls of self-protection and be available to commune with the other. I enter this space on occasion with clients – I make myself available to the best of my ability and I begin feeling in a palpable way their inner experience. Tears well in my eyes, sorrow and pain fill my body and soul. In that moment, I am walking beside another human being as they search for love and healing. It is a sacred moment; a moment that cannot be faked or forced into being. It requires nothing more (and nothing less) than a mindful availability to another.
Ironically, I have great difficulty in being present and mindful of those closest to me. To those I call friend and family, such presence is terrifying. I am discovering that being present with a stranger still grants me a degree of self-protection. While I may be emotionally available to walk alongside another, I am not expecting them to do the same for me. With the stranger, I am a mirror to their experience. With friend and family, the mirror is turned back onto me. I see my ‘craziness’ and my shortcomings. I see my naked emotions and deep-rooted needs staring back at me. I have worked hard to maintain distractions and noise in order to avoid raw intimacy with those closest to me. The weight of annoying distraction is now greater than the fear of authenticity with friends and family.
Idle distraction works hard to silence artist/writer within me. I dream of writing (even making this much of my career/vocation). Idle distraction keeps the dream on the horizon of tomorrow rather than the actualization of today. As long as it is for ‘someday when . . .’, the dream stays alive and exciting. To actualize it, to bring it into the here and now warrants the risk that my grandiose thoughts of becoming a “writer” are false hopes. It could mean that in reality, I stink at writing and what I believe is a sense of call and purpose is in reality false. At this point, I feel compelled to pursue writing. It is connected to my faith and knowledge of what I believe about God and what purpose I feel my life is to fulfill. If I am wrong, than what does that say about my faith? What does it say about my beliefs that I have built my life upon? Idle distractions keep me from facing these existential anxieties.
Idle distractions keep me away from contemplation. Contemplative spirituality is rooted in being mindful of God’s presence at all times. It takes effort to sit in silence – to quiet the racing thoughts running through one’s mind and be aware of God. Contemplation is bringing our whole naked being to God. If you are anything like me, there is a terrifying awe as you approach God’s holiness. It is more comfortable to approach God behind my cloak of distractions, but it does not quench my thirst. Idle distractions help me get close enough to taste the goodness of God, but at a safe enough distance to avoid being engulfed. Under my cloak of distraction I maintain the illusion of self-righteousness and independence. I can convince my mind I need nothing. It takes a lot of noise to drown out the yearning desperation of my soul. Unfortunately, I am skilled at creating loud noises.
