Looking at sin, especially the sin in my own life has historically been a signal to bring on the shame. I might as well have stood in front of a mirror and waved a wagging finger in front of my face. It is no surprise that thinking of an examination of conscience would bring about feelings of dread and avoidance. Lately I have come to see this assumption as an irrational belief. Looking at my own sinful ways is actually a gift. It is an invitation to set aside my false self and become more of the person I was designed to be. It is an invitation of movement closer to my True self; toward the better me.
This brings me to an honest confession. In my own examination of conscience I have looked at the role of vices in my life. Pride and envy are obvious, though I certainly wish they were less oppressive. But, I have maintained a blind eye to presence of greed in my soul.
It was easy to ignore avarice. On the surface I am generous with my possessions -- with my material goods. I have been generous with my time. Weeks and months at a time spent on the mission field; years running a not-for-profit. My time and small monetary compensations served as justification that I was avarice free. I had pride regarding my "giving" heart. This egomania worked well to support my false-self beliefs. I was awesome. I was not corrupt like the greedy that kept the poor oppressed. The poor whose conditions I was working hard to eradicate. I was not like "those" people. I was good. I was not greedy.
Last fall, I facilitated a "Now Living Your Strengths" group. We spent 7 weeks discovering our unique gifts and talents and then discerning how to share them with the Church and community around us. It was here I discovered a word to name my strength, input. I renamed it the "hoarder."
I am not like a hoarder you see on tv. I follow the one year rule and get rid of most things (books are my weakness.) Lately, I can longer ignore the avarice in my heart.
I struggle with a stinginess of emotions. My tendency is to hide my vulnerabilities behind a fortress of rocks and steel. I fool myself that I can hide the secret chambers of my soul from God. Silly, I know. I fear being hurt, misunderstood, or my shames being exposed. I hoard the longings of my heart from those around me. My fear turns to greed. I am not free to give of myself to others. I am not free to connect with the community around me. I am the opposite of hospitable.
Hospitality is the practice of being fully present with others. Seeing my hoarding of thoughts, ideas, and emotions as greed increases the severity of it. It raises the importance of doing something about it. It robs me of true joy -- of deep intimate connection with God and my fellow friends. It robs me from deep connection with my kids. In my greed, I must disconnect. I float through life safe and distant, but away from where the real love happens.
My greed, the stinginess of my emotions and thoughts robs my friends, family, and the community around me of the gifts God has granted me to share with others. I hide the True self I was made to be; the true part of the Body of Christ I was called to play. A light hidden under a lamp is useless.
This brings me to an honest confession. In my own examination of conscience I have looked at the role of vices in my life. Pride and envy are obvious, though I certainly wish they were less oppressive. But, I have maintained a blind eye to presence of greed in my soul.
It was easy to ignore avarice. On the surface I am generous with my possessions -- with my material goods. I have been generous with my time. Weeks and months at a time spent on the mission field; years running a not-for-profit. My time and small monetary compensations served as justification that I was avarice free. I had pride regarding my "giving" heart. This egomania worked well to support my false-self beliefs. I was awesome. I was not corrupt like the greedy that kept the poor oppressed. The poor whose conditions I was working hard to eradicate. I was not like "those" people. I was good. I was not greedy.
Last fall, I facilitated a "Now Living Your Strengths" group. We spent 7 weeks discovering our unique gifts and talents and then discerning how to share them with the Church and community around us. It was here I discovered a word to name my strength, input. I renamed it the "hoarder."
I am not like a hoarder you see on tv. I follow the one year rule and get rid of most things (books are my weakness.) Lately, I can longer ignore the avarice in my heart.I struggle with a stinginess of emotions. My tendency is to hide my vulnerabilities behind a fortress of rocks and steel. I fool myself that I can hide the secret chambers of my soul from God. Silly, I know. I fear being hurt, misunderstood, or my shames being exposed. I hoard the longings of my heart from those around me. My fear turns to greed. I am not free to give of myself to others. I am not free to connect with the community around me. I am the opposite of hospitable.
Hospitality is the practice of being fully present with others. Seeing my hoarding of thoughts, ideas, and emotions as greed increases the severity of it. It raises the importance of doing something about it. It robs me of true joy -- of deep intimate connection with God and my fellow friends. It robs me from deep connection with my kids. In my greed, I must disconnect. I float through life safe and distant, but away from where the real love happens.
My greed, the stinginess of my emotions and thoughts robs my friends, family, and the community around me of the gifts God has granted me to share with others. I hide the True self I was made to be; the true part of the Body of Christ I was called to play. A light hidden under a lamp is useless.
No comments:
Post a Comment