Lent Day 18. Awareness.

Hello.  My name is Heather.  I am a sugar addict.  I am twelve hours since my last hit – it was a red gummy bear.  Eighteen days ago, I set out to live a sugar clean lent.  In that span, I have one day clean.

Lent, among other things, is a time to bring us to awareness of our faults.  Awareness leads us to the place we can do something about it.  Lent is about disciplining ourselves; when it comes to sugar, there is only minimal restraint.  Day 18, it is a new day.

Awareness.  Again, I face my life of good intentions and lack of discipline and follow-through.  The lack of discipline does not bother me too much.  I have always been a more flexible, ever-changing person.  Don’t get me wrong, I also like plans and organization, but I do not set them in concrete.  I operate in a world of “ish” – Dinner is 5:30ish; bedtime for the kids, 7:30ish.  There is a schedule, but if we are glued to a book or having fun playing Mario Kart – the relationship usually will allow for a brief extension.

When it comes to disciplining my body with diet and exercise – again, I lack rigidity.  And I do not grow angry with the lack of discipline.  It is my nature.  Other priorities take the place of working out and planning and prepping meals.  If I psychoanalyze my last statement, I would see justification and lame excuses.  BUT, I do become angry with not getting the end result.  I want the fit and healthy body, but not the discipline to get me there.   I want it now without the work – and this is sloth.

I have sat with this anger and began peeling back the layers.  Beneath the anger – envy.  Envy of the skinny mom.  Envy of the healthy mom.  Envy of the wealthy mom.  And envy is ugly.  It is not only jealous that you have something I want, but it takes me to the state of disliking you because you do have it and believing that you do not deserve it.  It is my quick judgment of the wealthy, skinny, healthy mom – she is shallow; she has it easy; she is self-centered.  Look at me, I prioritize my kids and have to work.  Poor me, if I had your easy life I would have time to work out, cook, and eat healthy all the time.  Then I learn they are really kind and generous.  And great moms who prioritize their children.  I find I like them.  But, my envy gets in the way.  It blocks the pathway to friendship, respect, and mutual regard.  There is no space for love where envy is present.

Beneath the envy lies self-hatred.  Where anger exposes envy, envy exposes my own insecurity.  I am not content with who God has made me to be.  I pick apart my body, my physiology, and my personality.  I look to others and think, “If only I had ______, I am sure I would be happy.”  And the blank, well, the list is an endless flow of more and better.  That somehow material gain and body perfection will bring me joy, or at least silence my inner critic. 

And so awareness opens the door to make choices and do something about it.  I find myself powerless, not only in the face of my sugar addiction, but in the sins of envy, sloth, and self-hatred/rage.  I cannot make them stop or make them go away.  The best I can do is find ways to silence them, but in moments of weakness, they creep back up.  Awareness #4, I cannot fix this on my own (like I have been trying to do for the last 30+ years.)  I must surrender the fight.  Surrender at the foot of the cross.  Surrender to grace.  Surrender in obedience to the Master.