I used to half-heartedly joke that God is gracious enough to not expose all of my character flaws and sinfulness all at once for surely if I looked at it in its entirety it would destroy me. Rather than seeing all that falls short of perfection, layers are gently peeled back and I am given the option to address what has been exposed or throw on my defenses of denial, intellectualism, justification, rationalization, minimization, and a whole battery of “tions” and pretend it does not exist. Every now and then, a REALLY BIG area is exposed, one that is painful and difficult to look at. It is that one that I will fight tooth and nail to ignore; exhaust great emotional energy to avoid. This week, with the onset of Advent, such a layer has opened up and I find myself at the fork in the road.
Advent. The season of
hope, waiting, and anticipation of full redemption. It is also recognition that we are living in
the space between the Incarnation of Christ’s birth and the waiting for Christ’s
return. I am currently wordless in
thinking about full redemption.
Something is churning in my soul – the groaning of the Spirit that knows
something big is happening within but I must wait. Wait to see what is birthed. Wait and see what I will do with what is
revealed.
As the layer is peeled back I can see what is underneath and
at first glance, it is not pretty. I
prayed for the coming of full redemption; eagerly desiring to know the fullness
of hope, love, and grace. This nasty
layer reveals a huge road block in my movement toward what my soul most
wants. I am face to face with my own
self-hatred and loathing. Confronting
the part of me that believes I do not deserve love, grace, kindness – that part
that sabotages opportunities for goodness, kindness, and gentleness. That part of me that fears intimacy because
the thought of you, God, or anyone else seeing these nasty corners of my life
is too much to handle. We can call it
low self-esteem (I am a child of the 80’s where everyone is good; everyone is a
winner.) We can call it shame. And most have some dose of this in our lives
but we are good at covering it up. I am
really good at using achievements to keep you from seeing my nasties -- even
better at using envy and pride to keep myself from seeing it.
This is my fork in the road.
Do I do something about this self-hatred? Do I allow it to be exposed in order to be
redeemed? Before every Communion, there
is a ritual to kneel and pray this prayer, “Lord, I am not worthy that you should
enter under my roof, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed.” This is the same prayer the Roman Centurion
said to Jesus as he begged for his servant to be healed. The question for me, am I willing to risk the
unknown journey of healing? Something
big can happen. Something new can be
birthed. Will I allow it?
Last night, I spent the evening with a room full of first
grade Daisy Scouts. The topic was
friendships around the world. One of
our leaders had the girls draw self-portraits to show how we are both different
and similar. All the pictures were full
of happy faces – they were swinging, swimming, pretending to be something from
one’s imagination. They were all full of
innocence and a zeal for life. One girl
wrote in huge letters, “I LOVE ME!” If
we truly believe we are fearfully and wonderfully made, and that we are given
the gift of redemption and grace because we are so deeply loved, then should
this not be on all our papers? This
child was not being proud and bragging.
I saw in her a celebration and recognition that she has been wonderfully
made (maybe I am projecting and it really was a case of 7-year-old egoism, but
I am choosing to see this as a lesson.)
Love God and love your neighbor. True love is both given and received. The mark of real intimacy is the two-sided
nature of the relationship. I can do
acts of love, service, and charity in the name of God and as a token of love
for my neighbor, but until I am willing to receive that love, the true gift of
full redemption remains just beyond the road block of self-hatred.
