Fork in the Road

I used to half-heartedly joke that God is gracious enough to not expose all of my character flaws and sinfulness all at once for surely if I looked at it in its entirety it would destroy me.  Rather than seeing all that falls short of perfection, layers are gently peeled back and I am given the option to address what has been exposed or throw on my defenses of denial, intellectualism, justification, rationalization, minimization, and a whole battery of “tions” and pretend it does not exist.  Every now and then, a REALLY BIG area is exposed, one that is painful and difficult to look at. It is that one that I will fight tooth and nail to ignore; exhaust great emotional energy to avoid.  This week, with the onset of Advent, such a layer has opened up and I find myself at the fork in the road.

Advent.  The season of hope, waiting, and anticipation of full redemption.  It is also recognition that we are living in the space between the Incarnation of Christ’s birth and the waiting for Christ’s return.  I am currently wordless in thinking about full redemption.  Something is churning in my soul – the groaning of the Spirit that knows something big is happening within but I must wait.  Wait to see what is birthed.  Wait and see what I will do with what is revealed.

As the layer is peeled back I can see what is underneath and at first glance, it is not pretty.  I prayed for the coming of full redemption; eagerly desiring to know the fullness of hope, love, and grace.  This nasty layer reveals a huge road block in my movement toward what my soul most wants.  I am face to face with my own self-hatred and loathing.  Confronting the part of me that believes I do not deserve love, grace, kindness – that part that sabotages opportunities for goodness, kindness, and gentleness.  That part of me that fears intimacy because the thought of you, God, or anyone else seeing these nasty corners of my life is too much to handle.  We can call it low self-esteem (I am a child of the 80’s where everyone is good; everyone is a winner.)  We can call it shame.  And most have some dose of this in our lives but we are good at covering it up.  I am really good at using achievements to keep you from seeing my nasties -- even better at using envy and pride to keep myself from seeing it.

This is my fork in the road.  Do I do something about this self-hatred?  Do I allow it to be exposed in order to be redeemed?  Before every Communion, there is a ritual to kneel and pray this prayer, “Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed.”  This is the same prayer the Roman Centurion said to Jesus as he begged for his servant to be healed.  The question for me, am I willing to risk the unknown journey of healing?  Something big can happen.  Something new can be birthed.  Will I allow it? 

Last night, I spent the evening with a room full of first grade Daisy Scouts.  The topic was friendships around the world.   One of our leaders had the girls draw self-portraits to show how we are both different and similar.  All the pictures were full of happy faces – they were swinging, swimming, pretending to be something from one’s imagination.  They were all full of innocence and a zeal for life.  One girl wrote in huge letters, “I LOVE ME!”  If we truly believe we are fearfully and wonderfully made, and that we are given the gift of redemption and grace because we are so deeply loved, then should this not be on all our papers?  This child was not being proud and bragging.  I saw in her a celebration and recognition that she has been wonderfully made (maybe I am projecting and it really was a case of 7-year-old egoism, but I am choosing to see this as a lesson.) 

Love God and love your neighbor.  True love is both given and received.  The mark of real intimacy is the two-sided nature of the relationship.  I can do acts of love, service, and charity in the name of God and as a token of love for my neighbor, but until I am willing to receive that love, the true gift of full redemption remains just beyond the road block of self-hatred.